Despite my reemergence from the weekend getaway at chez-Yo We in Muskoka (indoor bathrooms, BEAT THAT ACF), I'll instead blog about a hilarious narrative a friend wrote up regarding the current state of Naruto Manga. Ahhhh, makes me glad Kishimoto-san decided to make the anime character-driven instead of making Naruto and Sasuke DBZ-like world beaters. Note to everyone who wants Naruto anime to move faster: count your blessings that Kishimoto is taking his time to flesh out the cast with some nice side-stories and character building, instead of shoving two genin boys down our throats.


Oh, and of course, none of this would be possible without the fascinating world of SPOILER ALERT! sooo, buyer beware.











Naruto: Sasuke! Get your ass back to the village!

Sasuke: Nope. I'm gonna go seek Orochimaru and get a powerup.

Naruto: Okay, you asked for it! *kick punch*

Sasuke: *kick punch* Okay, I need to have a long and drawn-out flashback now.

Naruto: Sure. I'll be over here when you're done. *whips out Gameboy Tetris*

Sasuke: ....And that is why I have to kill you.

Naruto: ...The hell? Allright, I'll beat you back to the only semi-angsty Sasuke you used to be! *kick punch*

Sasuke: *kick punch* Okay, this is going nowhere. Chidori!

Naruto: Rasengan!

Kishimoto: The Ultimate Clash! Chidori Vs Rasengan! Who will win!

Naruto, Sasuke: ......

Sasuke: Well shit. That didn't work. There's no need for words anymore. Well, back to the basics. *kick punch* It's time for you to die! Chidori!

Naruto: Ow, my shoulder! ...The fuck? You really are trying to kill me!

Sasuke: Yeah. Dude, I said.

Naruto: It's time for...Super Kyuubi Power! *Kyuubi kick punch*

Sasuke: Ow, my resentment! There's no need for talking anymore! Ok, it's time for...Three Spinny-Thing Sharingan Power! *Sharingan kick punch*

Naruto: Ow, my lonliness! Ok, it's time for...Super Duper Kyuubi Power! *Super-Duper Kyuubi kick punch*

Sasuke: Ow, my anger! Ok, it's time for...Level 2 Curse Seal Moody Goth Power-up! *Level 2 Curse Seal Moody Goth kick punch*

Kishimoto: Sasuke has powered up! Naruto is powered up! Who will win! The conclusion! Coming! Soon! Eventually!

Naruto: Screw this, I'm still Kyuubified! *Super-Duper Kyuubi kick punch*

Sasuke: Ok, take this! Sephiroth TWO Winged Angel Attack!

Naruto: Whoa. Dude. Seriously, this is some Malice Mizer/Camui Gackt goth shit you've got going on.

Sasuke: My angst knows no bounds. The time for talk is over. Now let's finish this! Chidori!

Naruto: Again?! Ah hell. Rasengan!

Kishimoto: Chidori! Rasengan! Who will win! The final ultimate concluding ending struggle! Next! Probably!

Naruto: You know, I just don't believe you when you say that anymore...

Meanwhile...

Kakashi: *glomping down on a Big Mac* I get the feeling I should be doing something right now...

Chouji: You know, some medical attention would be *great* right now. Something? Anything?

Kiba: Some triage...?

Neji: Some eyedrops....?

Shikamaru: A band-aid...?

Rock: Some antiseptic...?

The cult of Ken Jennings

Various news articles have stated that Ken Jennings, the Jeopardy contestant who has won 31 straight games and $1 million, is back in Utah after taping the currently airing episodes months ago, implying that he lost at some point (neither Jennings nor Jeopardy employees can reveal any details about future Jeopardy episodes).

But what if the show is just on a summer break from taping? Perhaps Jennings is still the reigning champion and will remain champion for years to come. The nerdy Mormon's appearance on television will become a part of normal life in America. Lincoln's on the $5 bill. Sun rises in the east, sets in the west. Michael Bay's movies suck. Ken Jennings is the Jeopardy champ. There are now three constants in life: death, taxes, and Ken Jennings.

In short order, the ratings of the now-live show go through the roof, singlehandedly propping up the dying network television networks. To placate the increasingly vocal anti-Jennings contingent of viewers, the producers start throwing all sorts of special contestants at him. Harvard professors, Disney Imagineers, Rhodes Scholars, a 10 yo genius from South Korea, Danny Hillis, David Foster Wallace, Edward Witten, and even Ben Stein. Jennings defeats them easily, deciding the games well before Final Jeopardy, much to the glee of Jennings' burgeoning fan club.

Jennings, now making hundreds of millions of dollars in endorsements (he's under exclusive contract to Nike, promoting their sportswear geared toward the "intellectual athlete") protests when -- starting in early 2009 -- contestants are allowed to use Google's new S4 (Synaptic Semantic Search System) interface during the show to research answers, but still defeats all challengers. In 2012, the first contestants sporting genetically enhanced "buzzer thumbs" appear on the program. In 2013, the first computer systems to pass the Turing test are allowed as contestants. Jennings handles them all, au naturel.

Inevitably, a Jennings-based religion springs up. A young Mormon living a few blocks from the studio where Jeopardy tapes, reveals he has recently discovered a previously unknown book of the Old Testament. The lost book, coincidentally entitled "Trebek", tells of a living God from "the land of salt, jazz, and many wifes Who shall smite His enemies with a magical rod and infinite wisdom for the amusement of His followers" and promises salvation and everlasting life for whosoever believeth in him. After the new religion's leader appears on Oprah, the Church of Jennings becomes the fastest growing religion in the world.

And then, on January 17, 2026, Jennings loses to a young woman from Ohio (they later marry) by $1 on a Final Jeopardy question about the short-lived talk show Cooking with JK Rowling & Jay-Z. Many die. Upon seeing Jennings' wager come up short, Alex Trebek suffers a massive pulmonary embolism on set. His last words were, "Alex Jennings...I like the sound of that". The elderly, always susceptible to harsh conditions, are hit hardest; Jeopardy becomes the third leading cause of death that year for the 80-100 demographic. Network TV almost collapses (saved only by Survivor: Mare Tranquilitatis), and Jeopardy ratings fall well below pre-Jennings numbers. Jennings retires to Utah, now wholly owned by the Church of Jennings, Inc. And very gradually, people adjust to a world without Ken Jennings as reigning Jeopardy champion.

Signs that you're out of shape:

- when you can't do a single rep of 3-pound weights
- when doing 10 sit-ups produces nausea
- when your arms feel like they've been to hell and back after a pushup

However, tennis was delightful as always. Odd how back in Toronto, I'm considered the blingy-type guy of the group, yet in London, I'm known as the biggest freeloader. It's the doppleganger effect . ....

Anyone else madly catching up with CSI now?

UNLEASH THE BEAST!!

http://www.wtnh.com/Global/story.asp?S=2262987&nav=3YeXQbZm

Here's a recap of what happened:



Ken semed rusty at first, but he went into overdrive during the 'Seans' category. No DDs at the 1st break though, $4800/1600/1800 before commercials. Wow, uh, J.D. is a nutcase btw. Of course Ken gets the 1st DD and pulls $4000 ahead of the lead (accompanied by his trademark "um.. what is.. the right answer?") J.D. pulled a little bit ahead of Betsy for a solid 2nd place, but Ken owned the fist half, $13000/800/3400 at the break. Ken gets the 2nd DD early, but MISSES it and is -$5000. He recovers quickly, as the two challengers are left speechless for half the duration of Double Jeopardy (until J.D. finally buzzes in correctly). Anyway, this round belonged to Ken and nobody else, as the two challengers correctly buzzed in on a total of 5 questions. Ken gets the 3rd DD and is +$4800. $13600/3200/5000 at the end of regulation. Everyone missed Final Jeopardy, but Ken made a huge wager, so he's -$21999 at the end of the game. Final score is $10001/1399/3599, adding to Ken's total of $1,331,661 over 39 days.




I gotta say though . ... After many weeks of that lame teen challenge, it's good having THE KEN™ back in action.

"Let the slaughter begin!"
--Megatron